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| What if I fall? But what if I fly? Watercolor on Paper |
I do.
I love writting (and heaps of other things) I want to share my writting and my story, I feel I gotta blog again, but I didn't do it or do it but not commited to it. Have you ever be in this situation as well?
Why? I guess there is something wrong with me...I have lots of idea, and l learn so many new things but I do nothing, I kept myself busy with things that for me, much more less important that work on my passions.
I kinda angry to myself because I am this kind of person who say I will do but didnt do and I feel ashamed. But this kind of thought is called self judgments and self judgment do me nothing but hurting myself further. So I list the reasons:
- I have no time
- I need to work and make money $$$$$$
- I am confused what to write
- I am confused what language I should write it in, My english grammar sucks and writting in Indo is uncomfortable cause there is so many words
- What is the point?
- Who cares?
and bla bla bla...
but the real thing, the reason why I didn't do it like all the reason why we don't do things is because of
FEAR.
Yeah I am just afraid.
I talk to myself and ask me, hey girl, what is it that you are afraid of?
- Being rejected, what if nobody read it?what if nobody cares...I'll feel unimportant and not matter
- Being judged generally, what if I wrote things, and people disliked it and attacking me?I saw many people love criticizing other people so much in the motivation of bringing other people down, not in a constructive way, just because they hate, and angry and want to attack people...so yeah I feel simply terrorized
- Looking stupid, oh Gosh...why on earth im so invested on looking smart???perhaps because of school & parenting system shaped me so I am obsessed in looks smart rather than just express myself fearlessly..you know you gotta passed the standard, got A and all that shoot
- Simply being open & real & vurnarable...oh yeah thats real scary!!!like what if I share my deepest secret and people use it against me to attack me someday???
- They told me to hide it I actually have friend asking me why would you share that kind of story to the public? isn't something just to keep to yourself? or in another words, aren't you feel ashamed?
- Being seen as a narcisist who just looking for attention & being attacked whoa..this is real fear for me, the feeling is here in my gut, being misjudge that way while what you want to do is actually simply express your personality...
- Fear of just wasting my time on something that not making money duh..this is so real for me, i am so insecure about my financial conditions that I have this impulse to always work a.k.a WORKAHOLIC and I felt guilty If i am just being relaxed. This conditions was worst years a go, I am much more relaxed now but still I have big fear of not having enough moneys.
I guess actually there is still more fear that stopping me, can you relate to what I mention above?
From what I learn FEAR is actually a False Expectation Appearing Real, so actually my Fear is not real, its just bunch of thoughts I have in my head produced by the emotions existed in my soul.
So everything I am afraid of is actually just in my thought.
Its not happening yet.But it appear real to me.
And no matter how much I tried to fight this fear I am still freeze and still and do nothing. My fear overcome my desire. Fear stopping me from doing & loving.
And I do really have this emotions of fear inside my soul, that make my body stiff, my gut wrenched and the back of my neck, my feet and everything freezed in cold.
Why I have this fear then?
Aren't we born fearless? as a baby we cry, laugh, and play so passionately, loudly and exploratively ( i dunno if that words existed)
so where is my FEAR coming from?
Based on Homecoming book & Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw, Secret of The Universe of Divine Truth,
As a little child, we absorb emotions from our surroundings : Our mother, father, family, caretakers, etc
First, We inherited all our mother emotions while she is pregnant with us, whatever she felt on that moment, enter our soul, all her fear, shame, sadness, joy and happiness.
So if our mother are depressed, in rage,unsupported, and never heal her wounded soul, the baby will feel so much fear, anger and sadness and cry most of the time.Which caused us to be furtherly abused or bribed by our caretaker or somewhere in between. In some case the amount of emotions that enter the baby was too much, it damaged their body straigt away, cause them to be very sick and die as a baby. People called it fate, or God trials, but dude I learnt that God never do something that awful, giving us a gift and take it away to make us suffer. It more because of us not wanting to release our painful emotions, that repel all the good things away.
But if the mother are in peace, supported, loved, knowing how to release an emotions, the baby will be much more calmer and whole, because the Mother share love and security instead of fear & other disasterous emotions
And as a child grow older, we meet our father, family, teacher, and so on. As a kid we learn from them, if they are a loving people who are emotionally stable then we learn that the world is trustworthy, safe and explore-able. If our environment are full of fear, rigid, stiff, we will have too much uneccesary boundaries, we wont be allowed to explored, we are forced to follow the rule and walk inside the 'safety zone' or their opinions about 'safety zone'.
Here is where we lost our wonder.
When our caretaker restricted us, punish us, or even abused us for doing what make them feel challenged, ashamed or afraid, we learn that its not safe to explore, its not safe to be ourselves, and we prefer to just stay still, pleasing our caretaker or go to the other polar: rebel all the ways.
I feel its very unloving what they did to us. or some of us, because I know there is also lots of people out there who have supportive loving parents. But then What? cause blaming is not a way out ya know..and our parents got it from previous generation anyway...
So WHAT TO DO?
I think we have 3 choice:
1. Just keep living in fear. avoid life, avoid anything that triggered emotions, live within our safety comfy zone and be happy sometimes by feeding our addictions, and passed this fear to our kid and future generations
2. Change yourself! basically we develop a willingness to change, learn more, add more knowledge on how to be better, study about our pain and trauma, go to therapy, do loving things to ourselves, face all our fear, try to follow our desire, break all the walls, keep taking actions and accept whatever come up, feel whatever triggered, learning along the way, be a more awesome person!
3. Change & develop Faith to God
is like number 2, but it much more awesome because we add God in the equation and the God I am meaning here is not so much about practicing religion rituals, but more into developing real emotional connection with God. We really make time to communicate & feel God, share all our fear, accept God truth and teaching in intimacy just being alone with God.
This way we are not doing everything by ourselves anymore, we got help from the coolest entity in the Universe. And its much more fun and bearable, life with Him.
I understand there is so many teachings about God out there, thousand of religion and ways, but I believe with all my heart, that whatever way you took, to connect to God only require simple things, so simple a baby and a little kids know how to do it: by being honest, humble and sincerely willing.
So yeah guys, I guess thats all for now.
I like to quote 2 things that motivate me so much to start beat my fear ass off and start sharing & embracing my passions:
When you being yourself & embrace your true passions, the worlds will automatically benefit from it... - AJ Miller
When you know something meaningful that change your life & can change the life of others, but you don't share it to the world, you're making this world a less beautiful place.. - AJ Miller
I hope we all can heal from all our misery and pain, find our passions and live it to the fullest!
Flora
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| Me writting again :) |
